In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.
We don’t have (real) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Real-life holidays are so 20th Century. The beaches of Menorca? Pshh. Overrated. I’ve seen better sand in a children’s playground. The Rockies? No thanks. I prefer my landmasses flat, you big mountainous show-offs. Bora Bora? More like Boring Boring. Where’s the spice? Where’s the adventure? Where’s the challenge?
I’ll tell you where it is. VIDEO GAMES. The future of vacations can’t be found in the meatspace; it’s in the virtual world that we can find all we’ve ever wanted. Those cocktails with the tiny umbrellas in them are great and all, but they’re nothing compared to the potions we can chug in the pubs of Whiterun, or the exotic skewer-based meals we can cook in the ruins of Hyrule Castle. Can tiny umbrellas give you the power to run twice as fast? No. They just give you the power to fall asleep next to the pool and wake up with awful sunburn.
Here at Nintendo Life Travel*, we believe that we can find you the ten best places to spend what’s left of the summer hols… in video games. Who said leaving the house is the only way to get away from it all? Not us.
The Legendary Landscapes of Hyrule
They say that long ago, a hero protected these lands, but since his mysterious disappearance, the various buildings, temples, and towers of Hyrule’s past have crumbled into ruins. Well, except for the castle at the heart of the rolling hills, but locals will warn you not to go close unless you enjoy being lasered in the face.
But worry not, there’s plenty to do that doesn’t involve horrible, painful death at the hands (or… hooves) of a rogue Lynel! Rent a horse from one of Hyrule’s many stables, staffed by friendly
weirdos ranch hands who can give you tips on the local wildlife, and maybe even recommend recipes to try out — most Hylians cook their food on campfires. How quaint!
If you’re a fan of camping, there are locations galore to set up a tent, but if you’re hoping for something slightly more upscale, there are a few towns scattered across Hyrule. Try the rural vibes of Hateno Village, where The Great Ton Pu Inn will do bed and breakfast for only 20 Rupees a night, or head over to Zora’s Domain if you’re a fan of watersports and/or looking for love. Be warned: Zora’s Domain is a tricky hike, suitable only for the most adventurous!
Travel to: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
The Sunshiney Paradise of Delfino Island
Delfino Island is a must-visit for anyone looking to travel on a budget. The tourism rates in this sunny slice of heaven have plummeted since graffiti started appearing on walls, floors, hard-to-reach places and even the local Pianta population, but that just means that prices have been slashed dramatically!
Even better, if you’re an aficionado of the arts, you may even appreciate what the graffiti adds to the place. Granted, it’s not very varied graffiti — it’s mostly ‘M’s and large piles of toxic goop — but who are we to judge what can and can’t be considered “art”?
Visitors to Delfino Island can stay at the luxurious Hotel Delfino, located on the beautiful Sirena Beach, which boasts a basement casino and an all-inclusive fruit buffet. Book five nights at the hotel and receive a free day pass to Pinna Park for the whole family!
If you’re really on a budget, there are also a couple of B&Bs in the cosy seaside town of Delfino Plaza — however, we tend to warn tourists away from the area, as the residents are famously litigious. Just try not to cause any havoc, and you should be alright.
The Sprawling City of Wyndon
If you’re the kind of person who finds beaches boring, and would rather bite off their own arm than spend a day in a cabin in the woods with no plumbing, then you’re probably in search of a city break — and where better to visit than the glamour and glitz of Wyndon?
As the home of the Pokémon League headquarters, Wyndon is always bustling with celebrities and up-and-coming stars, so if you’re a sports fan, you’ll have plenty to do in the city. As for the non-sporty among you, Wyndon boasts a huge department store, a clothing boutique, a salon, and a café. Only one of each, of course — this isn’t Lumiose.
You will, of course, be staying in the five-star Rose of the Rondelands hotel, because they chased all the competition out of town, but we can’t complain too much — their Exeggcute Benedict is to die for.
Travel to: Pokémon Sword and Shield
The Once-Deserted Island Owned By A Raccoon
Castaway chic is the hottest new trend when it comes to vacation packages, and this island pulls it off with panache thanks to the efforts of investor and developer Tom Nook, and his group of underage volunteers.
When you visit this ocean treasure, you’ll be on island time — which corresponds exactly to regular time, but the music piped through the island’s speakers will change on the hour — and you’re free to do whatever you want. Take diving lessons from the scallop-hungry but helpful Pascal, venture out to nearby deserted islands with Dodo Airlines’ day trip packages, or just wander round the island’s beautiful (but poorly-stocked) museum.
A fair warning before you book, though: these deserted islands are procedurally generated during your flight, and will be different for each person. Also, don’t be surprised if the other residents keep asking you to do favours for them, or gifting you hideous t-shirts. It’s a local tradition. Don’t worry about it.
Travel to: Animal Crossing: New Horizons
The Semi-Serene Waters of 4546B
Interested in the diving portion of Tom Nook’s island, but not the rest of it? We’ve got just the package for you: a visit to the ocean planet of 4546B! Learn to catch and cook your own food, build your own shelter, and survive underwater — that last one is pretty imperative if you want to actually have fun on this vacation, by the way.
Don’t worry too much about the distress signals coming through your radio; just re-tune it to whichever ’80s station you prefer and keep on bopping. Please don’t dive too deep, either, because our rescuecrafts haven’t been upgraded with the depth module, so you’ll be on your own. Oh, and that crashed ship in the middle of the sea? That’s… that’s nothing. It’s fine. Look at the pretty fish!
Travel to: Subnautica
The Lovely Village of… Village
Ah, the idyllic countryside of Britain. Quaint little cottages, winding streams with cute stone bridges, and goose.
Listen, we have to be totally honest about this one: it’s a bit of a risk-and-reward holiday package. The inhabitants of Village have offered a free week-long stay to anyone who can capture and/or subdue the goose that’s been terrorising them for months. The only stipulation is that the goose must not be harmed — he might be an arsehole, but we don’t condone violence here at Nintendo Life Travel Agents, and neither do the residents of Village.
So, yes, there’s a little catch to this one, but if you can handle a little goose mischief, then it’s honestly a pretty good bargain. You’ll have to cover the cost of your own food and pints down the pub, but that’s a small price to pay for an otherwise free stay.
Note: Nintendo Life Travel Agents cannot be held responsible for goose-related injuries.
Travel to: Untitled Goose Game
The Fiery Gates of Hell
Tired of people telling you to go to Hell? Why not call their bluff by signing up for our exclusive Cruise Along The River Styx package? There’s no other holiday like this in the world, and not just because it’s the Underworld — you won’t experience customer service like this anywhere else.
With the friendly and excitable guidance of resort manager Hypnos, plus yoga classes from resident trainer Megaera and martial arts lessons with our combat expert Achilles, you’ll find Hades a strangely welcoming place to stay (if you don’t mind all the blood). In the evenings, you can take a seat in the grand foyer to be serenaded by the mournful tones of Orpheus, and dine upon the wonderful, mostly-fish-based cuisine of our Head Chef.
Book now — people are dying to get in!
Travel to: Hades
The Void-Tainted Wilds of Rivellon
Enchanted pigs, religious intrigue, and cities built upon tombs full of dirty secrets — Rivellon is the place to be for any budding archaeologist, explorer, or historian, but also just a great location for anyone interested in gossip.
We won’t even tell you about the flirtatious skeleton with a dark past, or the dwarven warrior whose familial feud affected his entire race. And you definitely won’t want to hear about the heartbreaking story of the witch who was tortured to death. In fact, you should probably just avoid that whole area, unless you love being on fire.
Let’s put it this way: the things that go on in Rivellon are enough to fill the pages of one of those sordid tabloid magazines. You know, the ones with headlines like “My Mum Was Teleported Into A Puddle Of Lava By Her Own Boyfriend” and “My Wedding Ring Turned Out To Be Cursed And Now I Can’t Take It Off”? Yeah, those ones. It’s a new kind of holiday: a scandal holiday.
Travel to: Divinity: Original Sin 2
The Challenging Wastes of Lordran
You know, Lordran’s Undead Burg used to be one of the hidden gems of video game holiday locations, but if you go there today, you’ll find yourself in a swarm of tourists on their way to see the Firelink Shrine — the Trevi Fountain of Lordran.
Tread the path less trodden by following the Trail of the Two Bells: if you get your passport stamped at both locations, you’ll get free entry to Sen’s Fortress, an ancient
death-trap dungeon castle that’s fun for all the family! Historical tours are run on the hour by Lordran’s most eminent knower of things and praiser of sun, Solaire of Astora, or you can do like the Onion Knights do and take a nice siesta instead.
Don’t forget to visit Andre’s Gift Shop before you head home — he’ll make you a custom-engraved ring for just 500 Souls, which comes with a free buff of your choice!
Travel to: Dark Souls
The Historical Cities of Skyrim
If you’ve had enough of sunny climes, and you’re really more of a winter vacationer, may we suggest the gorgeous, rolling mountains of Skyrim? Located in the north of the continent of Tamriel, Skyrim is a huge place, inhabited mostly by Nords, with plenty of cosy towns and villages to stay in — just, please, don’t steal from anywhere. Our guards are rather zealous, and you will spend one of your nights in prison. No refunds.
Perhaps you’d like to stay in the ancient city of Windhelm, where the majestic Palace of the Kings towers over an assortment of pubs and inns? Maybe you’d like to visit Riften, a town nestled upon a forest lake, and home to some rather… enterprising young folks who will definitely
steal your wallet make you feel at home? Plus, there’s always an option for those of you on a budget: Whiterun, which is located in central Skyrim, making it easy to book daytime trips!
Disclaimer: Budget stays in Whiterun do not include entry into the Cloud District.
Just please be sure to book any mountain excursions through our very well-prepared and trained sherpa knights. We really can’t afford to cover dragon insurance any more.
Travel to: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
If you’re interested in any one of these package holidays, please send $200 as a deposit to book your place, and let us know your desired location and the length of your stay in the comments below. We thank you for choosing to travel with Nintendo Life Travel.
*Nintendo Life Travel is not responsible for any injuries or death-related happenings that occur in any of its resorts. Nintendo Life Travel is not liable for any dangerous events that may take place while you travel, including (but not limited to) boss battles, loss of save data, or eating way too many wheels of cheese.