Under A Rock with Tig Notaro: Tony Shalhoub

Although she’s a famous comedian herself, Tig Notaro has a very special and unique ability: she doesn’t recognize celebrities. Whether they’re a professional athlete, a famous sportscaster, or an award-winning actor, for Tig… well… it’s just not ringing a bell.

If someone says their profession is acting that doesn’t actually narrow things down much, because the title of “actor” could mean a number of different things — are they in theatre? Television? Films? Voice acting? But Tony Shalhoub doesn’t really have to get more specific than “actor” because, well, he just does all of it. His illustrious career began in the mid-1980’s with a string of acclaimed Broadway productions such as The Odd Couple, Conversations with My Father, and The Heidi Chronicles. After rising to fame on the stage, Tony moved into roles on both the big screen and the small screen, and in practically every genre. In the world of television, he’s known for his roles in sitcoms like Wings, Stark Raving Mad, and We Are Men, comedy-dramas like Monk, Nurse Jackie, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and appearances in anything from The Blacklist and The Equalizer, to Frasier, to The X-Files. His history in film is equally as eclectic, having roles in sci-fi, romance, comedies, dramas, thrillers, or any combination of the above, such as Big Night, Barton Fink, Gattaca, Men in Black I, II, and III, Galaxy Quest, and Life or Something Like It. He’s even voice acted in Pixar films, the live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, and video games.

His career has spanned roughly four decades, and in that time he has received a Tony Award, five Emmys, a Golden Globe, and four SAG Awards, as well as a heap of nominations — even one for a Grammy! Tony Shalhoub is an actor who has truly done it all, and whether you’re a fan of film, television, theatre, cartoons, or video games, he’s a man who’s pretty hard to miss. Unless you’re Tig Notaro, who isn’t familiar with… well, anything. It’s going to take some hints from Tony and help from Alexa in order to figure this mystery out, because Tig just lives under a rock.

CREDITS

Starring: Tig Notaro & Tony Shalhoub

Executive Producer: Tig Notaro
Executive Producer: Stephanie Allynne
Executive Producer: Thomas Ouellette
Executive Producer: Hunter Seidman
Executive Producer: Rowan Wheeler
Executive Producer: Mike Farah
Executive Producer: Brian Toombs
Executive Producer: Chris Bruss
Supervising Producer: Keishla Rivera-Estrada
Line Producer: Charles Forsgren
Director: Riki Lindhome

Head Writer: Thomas Ouellette
Writer: Alana Johnson
Writer: Mike Phirman
AP: Maisie Hooper
Stage Manager: Mazzin Chaudhari
Production MGR: Kourtney Gleason
Production Coordinator: Maxwell Hamilton
Director of Photography: Geoff George
B Camera Operator: Cale Nichols
C Camera Operator: Joe Gunawan
D Camera Operator: Keith Jeffries
1st AC: Sam Kim
2nd AC: Kelsey Juddo
Gaffer: James King
Key Grip: Justin Doescher
Production Designer: Ellie del Campo
Set Decorator: Samantha Corona
Set Dresser: Ionut Popescu
Tig’s Make-up/Hair: Stephanie Daniel
Make-up: Brenna Haukendahl
Costume Designer: Christopher Thompson
Sound Mixer: Alex Dawson
Set PA: Meghan Sullivan
Set PA: Jack Myles

Post Producer: Phillip Loeb
Post Producer: Kia Reghabi
Editor: Paul Smith
Graphics: Aaron Andersen, Paul Smith, Bryan Wieder, Isaac Sanchez, and Andrew Jewell
Color: Kia Reghabi
Sound Mixer: Derek Vanderhorst & Taylor Flinn

What Happens When Men Take Their Wives’ Last Name?

Traditionally women take the last name of their husband, but recently that trend has been questioned and masculinity has been compromised. This week actress Zoe Saldana revealed that her husband has taken her last name. What can we expect if this disturbing movement continues?

George Alamuddin
If George Clooney took his wife’s last name, he would be the one paraded around in high fashion outfits while his barrister wife would hold all of the power. Clooney already runs the risk of being outshined by a powerful and politically-minded wife and taking her last name would be the nail in the coffin.

Bill Rodham
Clinton is so close to being the First Gentleman of The White House and the last thing he needs is to be emasculated even more by giving up his last name! His bloodline! His connection to his forefathers! Let Hillary have The Oval Office, let Bill have his family name, which is more important to a man than a woman.

Kevin Sedgwick
Bacon is known for being a Hollywood connector. He has been in so many movies and tv shows that with just six degrees you can tie him to any actor. To take on his wife’s last name would lose him his legacy and everything he has built for himself, not to mention how many people he would have to tell, he would have to change his email address, get a new driver’s license, etc. It would be a big headache and the husband shouldn’t have to deal with that.

Brad Jolie
Kids shouldn’t have the mess of a hyphenated last name or the confusion of having a different last name than their dad. Can you imagine a dad maintaining his last name for professional reasons and the family having a different last name? Unheard of.

Ellen De Rossi
As their dynamic stands now, we know exactly who is in charge. If Ellen takes Portia’s last name, the power will shift and traditional roles in a marriage will be muddied. Make it easier for the public to understand.

Jay Knowles
Jay Z has built an empire and to identify with his wife’s last name would abandon what he has worked for and diminish his brand. It would be out of the question.

Voldy Does College

Get Sorcerer’s stoned with Voldy and his college buds!

Voldy Does College: Chapter 1

Love Harry Potter? Then you have to meet Freshman Voldemort, his wand, his bong, and his college pals! If you’re looking for Fantastic Beasts, you’ve come to the right place.

– Official Selection of SketchFest Seattle 2020

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Produced by: Trifecta Comedy

Film Production by: Zephyr Entertainment

http://youtube.com/zephyrentertainment

Music:

The Theatrical Poster for Poltergeist III by Chris Zabriskie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Source: http://chriszabriskie.com/vendaface/

Artist: http://chriszabriskie.com/

Dance of Deception by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1100271

Artist: http://incompetech.com/

Cylinder Seven by Chris Zabriskie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Source: http://chriszabriskie.com/cylinders/

Artist: http://chriszabriskie.com/

I Am a Man Who Will Fight for Your Honor by Chris Zabriskie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Source: http://chriszabriskie.com/honor/

Artist: http://chriszabriskie.com/

TRIFECTA COMEDY is an LA based sketch comedy group with 12 wild, animated, and creative artists. They are officially Certified Rotten. Thank you for watching and we hope to see you at our next Live Stream!

www.trifectacomedy.com

Trifecta Comedy on Funny or Die:

The Audition (or What Eventually Happens When You Self Submit to Every Project on LA Casting): https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/2/10/22276766/the-audition-actor-funny-die-acting-casting-auditions-auditioning-actors-comedian-comedians-cast

Screaming: https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/2/8/22271474/screaming-funny-roller-coaster-park-dead-die-trifecta-comedy-comedians-comedian

Finger Guns: https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/2/16/22283236/finger-guns-love-dates-dating-comedy-funny-die-comedians-new-trifecta-gun

Kiss Me, I’m Irish: https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/3/15/22331759/kiss-me-im-irish-saint-patrick-patricks-luck-lucky-trifecta-comedy-funny-or-die

Bedtime Story: https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/3/1/22308184/bedtime-story-sketch-comedy-trifecta-funny-or-die-live-show-comedians-hangry-beautiful

The Breakup: https://www.funnyordie.com/community/2021/3/8/22319729/the-breakup-live-comedy-show-hangry-beautiful-trifecta-sketch-comedian

#HarryPotter #Parody #Voldemort

Everything You Probably Didn’t Know About Showering (According To Science)

There’s been a lot of discussion in the news lately about how frequently one needs to take a shower, with several articles claiming that daily showers are unnecessary and even unhealthy. But frequency is just one aspect of showering about which many of us are woefully misinformed.

  • It is detrimental to wash your butthole at all. Buttholes are like seasoned cast-iron skillets, in that if you wash them with soap they lose their effectiveness.
  • Loofahs and washcloths both carry tons of bacteria, so when you use them they are actually making your body less clean! The best way to administer soap is with the hand of someone that you neither like nor plan on seeing again.
  • The vagina is self-cleaning, but did you know it can also clean the rest of your body? If you want to start the day smelling fresh, give yourself a good rub with your vagina, or “cunt shower,” as it’s known in Britain.
  • Your roommate’s shampoo is better than yours so use that instead.
  • “OK, honey, I’m just going to take a shower … a BABY SHOWER! You’re going to be a dad” is the best way to break that news.
  • The average bath uses 35–50 gallons of water but there’s about 352 quintillion gallons in the ocean, so do you.
  • In addition to being used for masturbating, hand lotion also works as a hand lotion.
  • A good way to conserve water is to shower with your dad. But do NOT compliment his penis. That’s weird.
  • When taking a bath, be sure you’re getting in a bathtub and not an ogre’s dinner pot where you’re on the menu!!!
  • Pineapple makes your semen taste sweeter. This doesn’t really apply to the topic at hand, but still — good to know.
  • You deserve better than Prell.
The Following Counts as Showering:
• Going outside in the rain
• Watching someone else shower
• Brushing really hard against a clean person
• Running through a sprinkler as a child
• Hosing down a child as an adult
• Getting licked real good by a dog
• Being badly burned in a house fire
• Showering 		The first body part you wash in the shower can say a lot about you:
• Hair – Type-A personality
• Genitals – Aspiring Chef
• Armpits – Cast member on the original 90210
• Backside – Sexy Co-Ed
• Face – Hunk/Muscleman
• Legs – Olympic swimmer
• Chest – Probably named Vance
• Feet – Get the fuck out of here, weirdo.

I tried showering every other day instead of every day and my hair felt like someone had combed it with a chicken wing. Is this normal?
That’s the feeling of health!

When the shower takes my dirt, is it also taking my soul?
No, you are thinking of cameras. Watch out for those.

What if I take a shower and immediately spill pizza sauce all over my body? Should I still wait two days to shower again?
Yes. The body actually needs a certain level of pizza sauce to stay healthy. In addition to promoting overall zest, a sauce barrier helps catch stray flecks of meat and cheese that fall onto the skin while eating.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, isn’t showering a slippery slope toward Devil worship?
OK, you need to chill out.

So why do you hate showering so much? Did bullies laugh at your small pee-pee in high school?
First off, my pee-pee is normal-sized. Second, no one hates showers here, it’s just that over-washing with soap and hot water can strip your skin of essential oils and “good” bacteria that can help protect your skin from disease.

But how come all the good bacteria gotta smell so bad?
I know, right?

That’s not really an answer…
Yeah, well, this isn’t really an issue.

Should there be some guy in my shower?
Generally no, but here are a few situations in which it’s OK:
• Horny husband
• Damp ghost
• Shower repairman
• Ghost of shower repairman (friendly)
• Priest exorcising ghost of shower repairman (evil)

  • Make sure to brag about how little you shower. This is an important part of this process for some reason.
  • Short on time? Try taking one 11-day shower twice a year.
  • If you are starting to smell but don’t have time to shower just carry a scented candle nestled between your legs. DON’T LIGHT IT.
  • Crying in the shower is great when you’ve been recently dumped, but if your skin is dry, try crying in a kiddie pool of jojoba oil instead.
  • Dry shampoo is not just for your hair. You can also use it for your genitals, feet, armpits, and anywhere else you’d like to smell lightly of decaying cornstarch.
  • If you get into a chemical spill, the eye-wash station in a laboratory counts as a shower.
  • Befriend the biggest stinkos and dirtbags you can find so you’ll seem clean by comparison.
  • Start from the extremities of your body and wash in concentric circles, going inward toward your anus. Then, clench hard and absorb all the filth from your entire body into your rectum.
  • Try not to think of all the wrong turns you’ve made in life while in the shower. While you’re standing there despondently, you lose essential oils.
  • If you are a wealthy South American drug lord, please turn this guide over to the underage prostitutes you pay to bathe you.
  • In between showers, use a soapy washcloth under your arms, between your legs, and as a cape for your bathtime adventures.

So there you have it, everything you thought you knew about showering, completely debunked. Tune in next time when we discuss how sleeping is actually killing you and how drinking bleach can give you tons more stamina in the sack.

11 Surefire Tricks To Never Smoke Again

Always be covered in gasoline

Join a human centipede

Only smoke underwater

Build a time machine, go back in time to the day before you started smoking, and kill yourself

Start a petition to rename cigarettes “baby wieners”

Replace one cigarette in the pack with a tiny stick of dynamite

Die from lung cancer

Have J. K. Simmons scream in your face “Not my Marlboro!”

Move somewhere really windy so you literally can’t ever light a cigarette

Admit that camels are not good role models

Smoke a pack of cigarettes while watching your parents have sex

Hire Peyton Manning to fire a football at your throat every time you light up

Cut off your hands

The 10 Best Ways To Get Pregnant

Since you hit puberty everyone’s been yakking at you about how to not get pregnant and that’s only left you to wonder “how do you get pregnant?” Well, today’s your lucky day because here are the best ways!

Swallow a baby

Trust a man using new male-contraceptives

Abstinence-only education

Make your uterus a great place to live with simple, tasteful renovations

66ing

Hug naked during an earthquake

Switch from prophylactics to antiphylactics

Sit in the shower of an apartment with three dude roommates

Defund Planned Parenthood

Be a woman

It’s Time We Stopped Pretending That Puzzles Are Fun

It goes without saying that the coronavirus pandemic has completely changed all of our lives and what our day to day looks like. It’s safe to assume that we’re more than ready to kick the vast majority of these New Normals to the curb and go back to doing things like, I dunno, standing closer to someone than six feet or even indulging in the occasional high-five, and a very, very slim percentage of these pandemic changes will be missed. Having the luxury of working from home AKA not putting on real pants every day has been nice.

There is one thing that has become normalized during the pandemic, however, that we as a collective society need to pull the plug on immediately. And that thing is puzzles.

It can be hard to try and find new ways to fill the time through month after month of lockdowns, I get it, I do. But that is no reason to resort to willfully doing a puzzle, as if it’s fun, as if doing a puzzle is somehow an enjoyable activity. Puzzles suck. They suck ass and we all know it. Why have we been pretending otherwise? Why have we been lying to ourselves? To our children? No. No more. This has gone on long enough.

Puzzles, from start to finish, are a scam.

Step one, you buy a puzzle with your hard earned money. Step two, you stare at the pieces dumped on your coffee table going, “Uhhhhhh where’s the blue piece? No that’s the wrong blue piece. That’s the wrong blue piece. That’s the wrong b—” etcetera for hours, even days. Step three, eventually you finish the puzzle and discover that, surprise surprise, it’s exactly the picture it told you it was going to be. Now what? Now you do it all over again?

Excuse me?

Do you know how insane that is?!

No. Nope.

I would rather mow a golf course by cutting each blade of grass with nail scissors. That isn’t an activity, that is a form of torment that belongs in the dungeons of Tartarus. The only thing more psychotic than subjecting yourself to completing a puzzle over and over is completing it once and then keeping it. Does it do anything cool like after you finish building a model plane? No, you just stare at it, because it’s a puzzle. Okay. Cool. So you have the picture on the front of the box framed and on display, except it doesn’t even look like the picture on the box, it looks like shit because it’s a fucking puzzle.

Go buy a desk from IKEA and spend your free time putting it together and taking it apart, since we’re doing things that don’t make any sense. At least whenever you decide you’re finally done you’d have a goddamn desk.

Look, all I’m saying is that you deserve better. Choosing to spend your time doing puzzles is like if the Donner Party still had rations but some guy was like, “Alright who are we eating first?” NO. STOP. There are OPTIONS. Getting into claymation or puppetry would be a less depressing and better use of quarantine downtime. Say no to puzzles.

This Dad’s Photoshoot Of His Baby Doing Manly Things Is Hysterical

Originally published January 24, 2020

I don’t know for sure because I haven’t done it, but becoming a parent has got to be one of the scariest journeys to embark on. The process of growing a tiny person inside your body?? Nightmare fuel. And even if you’re not the one doing the incubating, becoming responsible for a whole person?? Making sure it’s watered and fed and clean?? Keeping it alive and being liable for it??? For like, YEARS???? My palms are sweaty just thinking about it. Now imagine on top of that, having your tiny human come into the world before it’s completely ready?? TERRIFYING! And, unfortunately, all too common.

Matt Mac’s son Ryan was born nine weeks ahead of schedule, weighing just three pounds, and had to spend the first six weeks of his life in a NICU with his parents unable to do anything but wait by his side.

This is a happy story, I promise.

Ryan’s parents’ optimism never waivered. Instead of saying he was premature they joked that he was just “advanced” — which inspired Matt to create a whole series of photos of their son doing all sorts of very “advanced” things once they brought him home. (See I told you this was a happy story)

According to Matt each photo took around 20 minutes to shoot, and most of the work went into setting up the scene and arranging the props. Once everything was set, either Matt or his wife would hold baby Ryan in the scene for the photo, and through a lot of photoshop wizardry, Matt would then edit themselves out of the photo and adjust or add in the placement of props.

In other words, don’t worry — the baby isn’t actually holding an axe.

Matt Mac
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