Originally published March 2019

Across this wide world one thing that brings people together is sport. Soccer, football, basketball, wrestling, there’s no shortage of sports and games that are globally enjoyed. And then… there are the lesser known ones. Things like Irish and Gaelic hurling (which is WILD if you’ve never seen it), Kabaddi, hell even wife-carrying is a sport.

But honestly those hardly hold a candle to the insanity that is Russian competitive slapping.

Yeah, this is a real thing. And it’s way intense.

Courtesy of Dmitry Kotov
This guy’s head is like 5 seconds from spinning around and flying away like a Sky Dancer

So, okay, I have questions.

If we’re gonna call this a sport… shouldn’t there be some kind of regulations like… Oh, I dunno, weight classes or something? Like, alright, hear me out. The arm attached to the dude on the right should probably be registered as a weapon. It’s the size of that other guy’s torso. This is like that scene in Game of Thrones when The Mountain came after Ser Loras Tyrell.

Also, that guy has a beard??? Is that not also a crazy advantage?? Like if you’re playing hockey you don’t just give ONE team helmets. Both men should get a face cushion or NEITHER MAN SHOULD GET A FACE CUSHION.

Come on, Russia. It’s like you don’t even care about sportsmanly conduct and fairness.

I’ve literally never seen anyone slapped so that hard in my entire life and I grew up with three sisters. I wish I knew about this when I was a kid so that I could’ve told my mom I wasn’t fighting with them, I was simply practicing my athleticism in case I decided I wanted to become a professional slapper.