As if a global pandemic wasn’t enough, a polar vortex has swept most of the continental US, bringing with it dangerous icy conditions and record breaking cold. Although Texas Senator and frumpy off-brand Wolverine Ted Cruz laughed at the California wildfires and how they impacted the state’s power grid just seven months ago, in a turning of the tables nobody wanted regardless of how you feel about him, Texas’ independent power grid run on all the fossil fuels and none of the regulation that Ted Cruz boasted would never fail, has failed. Massively.

Over three million Texans have been without power for days, no heat, no running water, pipes freezing and bursting, bare grocery store shelves. Don’t worry though, king rat fucker Ted Cruz found the perfect solution to beat the cold! Going to Cancun!

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think I meant he found a solution to help his constituents? Ha! What an idea.

After being caught in ultra HD and rightfully chewed the hell out by hundreds of thousands of people online (proof that bullying works), this slug in human form booked a return flight from Cancun the following day and released a statement claiming that he wasn’t going to stay in Mexico, he was merely dropping his daughters off there because he wanted to be a good dad.

He just happened to also pack a full suitcase and a beach tote to escort his kids on a 2.5 hour flight and then come right back.

You know, as one does.

Coming back to the completely organic, farm fresh bullshit statement he released, his plan to try and cover his own ass was literally blaming his daughters. I’m not a parent, but I’m positive that throwing your children under the bus when you royally fuck up isn’t in the guide book. Are we sure Ted Cruz isn’t actually just a human skin suit stuffed full of bugs? Is he a goblin that was ripped from the pages of an old European storybook intended to scare children? While we may never know for sure how it’s possible for a man to survive with a backbone made entirely of soft, room temperature butter, it is safe to assume that an actual stick of butter would make for a better Senator than Ted Cruz.

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