Crawlomatic

Click here to watch the english version of “Telenovelas Are Hell: Rubí”

Si tu vida necesita un poco de drama, te presento a la telenovela Mexicana Rubí. Rubí lo tiene todo: escenas de sexo incómodas para disfrutar con la familia, choques mal filmados, gente cayéndose de balcones, y una gran cantidad de abuelitas que no pueden parar de sufrir. Entonces, si se preguntan: ¿por qué pasan tantas cosas terribles?La razón es que las telenovelas…son un infierno.

Esta telenovela cuenta la historia de una chica extremadamente hermosa pero extremadamente un gran pedazo de mierda. A Rubí solo le interesan dos cosas: el dinero y los hombres, por eso hará todo lo que sea necesario para casarse un pene millonario.

Rubí esta de novia con Alejandro, un estudiante de medicina con un pecho tan peludo que parece tener una alfombra colgada del cuello. Rubí piensa que Alejandro es millonario, hasta que un día le regala un departamento sin piscina, y ella lo manda a cagar.

Rubí podría elegir entre miles de hombres, pero, como es una serpiente venenosa, decide robarle el novio a su mejor amiga: una pobre chica que arrastra la pierna al caminar y se la pasa cayéndose. Rubí seduce a Héctor, el prometido de su amiga, al invitarlo a una tienda para que la observe probarse ropa sexy. Mientras se le cae la baba, Rubí lo convence que abandone a su amiga para casarse con ella.

Héctor y sus abdominales duras, sienten un gran conflicto interno sobre que hacer. Pero, obviamente, decide dejar plantada a su prometida en el día del casamiento, y escaparse con Rubí.

Mientras su amiga se arrastra por el piso con una depresión que no le desearía a mi peor enemigo, la pareja feliz es casada por un ministro de ceremonias que se parece a un huevo duro, y tienen sexo EN TODOS LADOS. Cuando el ex de Rubí, se entera del matrimonio, suda como una chichi en pleno verano y se enoja tanto, que hace explotar una copa con su mano.

Finalmente, a Rubí le compran la casa con piscina de sus sueños…y todo parece andar bien. Por eso este es el momento perfecto para que los dioses de las telenovelas se caguen sobre todos.

El esposo de Rubí empieza a sentir dolor de espalda y no puede acompañarla mas a fiestas. Esto obviamente no le gusta a Rubí, y se vuelve loca. ¡Para agregar a su furia, Rubí se entera que su ex se hizo rico y esta comprometido CON UNA MUJER ATRACTIVA! Rubí hace lo que cualquier persona normal haría en su lugar: ataca a la mujer y causa que se caiga de un Puente y se muera.

Alejandro se entristece (por 5 segundos) pero después se le pasa, así que se acuesta con Rubí y la embaraza.

Al enterarse que Rubí esta embarazada de otro tipo, Héctor podría divorciarse, pero por supuesto seria demasiado simple para una telenovela, entonces la apunta con una pistola, y la encierra en un cuarto como prisionera.

Para echarle sal a la herida, la mamá de Rubí se entera de lo que esta pasando, y se muere de un ataque al corazón, y a Alejandro lo envenenan. Pero bueno, esos son detallitos.

Rubí se escapa de su esposo abusivo, pero la atropella un auto y pierde el bebe, mientras tanto Héctor choca su auto y se muere.

Bueno, ahora realmente a Rubí le va todo mal: no tiene esposo, no tiene bebe y, de la nada, un día pierde todo su dinero. Desesperada, Rubí trata de seducir a su ex, pero hay un problema: ahora está comprometido con la ex mejor amiga (la que tiene la pierna rota). Rubí le suplica como una desesperada que se case con ella, pero el de dice que preferiría comer caca. A Rubí le agarra tantarabia, que se resbala del décimo piso, cayendo sobre una mesita de vidrio. La caída no la mata, obviamente, pero se despierta en un cuarto de hospital con una pierna amputada y la cara deformada.

Vestida como una bruja, y caminando con bastón, Rubí se va a vivir a una cueva y desaparece para siempre, mientras Alejandro y su hermosa esposa se casan, y todos viven felices para siempre. ¡MENTIRA! Obviamente eso no pasa en las novelas: pasan 20 anos y Rubí la convence a su sobrina (que es igual a Rubí) a que seduzca a Alejandro y le arruine la vida.

Fín.

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Watch episodes of Rubí on Univision

Binge all episodes of “Telenovelas Are Hell” on the FOD website

Watch the English version of “Telenovelas Are Hell: Rubí” here

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CREDITS

Narrated By: Tamara Yajia
Writer/Editor: Tamara Yajia
Editor: Paul Louis Smith

Originally published June 4, 2019

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The rise of social media has drastically changed the way that we share our lives with others. Unfortunately a lot of the time that means oversharing (like when your distant uncle asks everyone on Facebook to weigh in on a new weird skin thing he found on his neck) or constantly sharing things that nobody cares about. Remember when all anybody tweeted was stuff like “going to get coffee #starbucks”? Yeesh… Dark times. But social media has also made it so we can broadcast important moments in our lives to anyone and everyone at lighting speed, and in some pretty creative ways.

Of all the big announcements one can make on the internet, nothing gets people more fired up and willing to go balls to the wall than pregnancies and new babies.

Professional photoshoots in fields of flowers, perfectly filtered photographs of potential baby names written on chalkboards, cellphone videos of burly men opening gift boxes and pulling out shirts that say “new grandpa” and immediately weeping, there’s no shortage of ways to tell the world that you’re gonna have a baby.

But… here’s the thing.

Baby announcements were cute at first. At first. But we passed the point of it being quirky and cool and novel long ago. Now, it’s hard to be inundated with rapidfire posts featuring thousand-word captions with indents and citations on Instagram and do anything but groan and go, “oh my god how long is this going to take me to scroll past.” It’s gotten A LITTLE OUT OF HAND FOLKS, and I hate to say it but someone has to: if you’re having a baby and you’re excited about it that’s great. I’m happy for you. We’re all happy for you. But also? Tone it down, chief. Just a tad. Just a SMIDGE.

Please. We’re tired. We’re all just so tired.

Why don’t we make the same kind of spectacular announcements for other great feats in our lives?? I’m sick of babies. I want to gush over professional-grade photos of some guy named Bryce wearing a daisy crown, looking all maternal with soft lighting, to commemorate the fact that he finally makes enough money to move out of his shitty studio apartment above a pawn shop.

Or how about moments like this — the day twitter user Sarah Whelan Curtis finally finished her thesis.

Courtesy of twitter/SarahWCurtis

LOOK HOW PRECIOUS THAT IS!

What a beautiful, bouncing baby academic paper. You can really tell she loves it.

Courtesy of twitter/SarahWCurtis

She’s just glowing — and so she should be. As she put it, this was “the longest labor of her life.”

Courtesy of twitter/SarahWCurtis

They’re so adorable at this age… It probably still has that new printer paper smell.

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Originally published April 18, 2019

We’ve each had our fair share of crazy nights and found ourselves the next day with a splitting headache, alcohol seeping through our pores, wondering, “ughhhhhh, what happened?” But have you ever partied so hard you woke up in entirely the wrong house? The answer for most, I’m sure, is “no” — but not for this guy.

In a video posted to Facebook that’s so funny it’s literally impossible to get through without laughing, a Scottish man explains how he ended up in a stranger’s home, although even he can barely get through the story himself because he’s cracking up so much.

“This couple have woke me up, right, and went, ‘who are you?’ and I’m like, ‘what are you talking about? I was at this party last night here,’ and they were like, ‘trust me, there was no party here last night — you just woke up on our couch’”

He explains that he tried to get a taxi home from this party but missed it, so he turned around to go back into the house, except he accidentally went into the neighbor’s house and even DRUNKENLY MADE HIMSELF A POT OF NOODLES.

Luckily for him, the couple who live in the house not only got a kick out of it, but even woke him up with a cup of tea and a cigarette.

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You can watch the full video here

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Cardio will get your heart pumping, but so will arguing with someone you hate (and the latter is WAY easier AND much more entertaining).

In this episode of Two Guys Who Hate Each Other, Dan and George (who, as the title suggests, hate each other) accidentally, um, “run” into each other while they’re both out jogging.

Is Dan and George’s sarcastic exchanges entertaining? lol, yes!

Is it bad that these two make each other so angry that it is likely impacting their blood pressure and mental health? Kinda.

But is it great they both exercising to counteract the above? HELL YEAH

Watch every episode of Two Guys Who Hate Each Other:

http://funnyordie.com/two-guys-who-hate-each-other

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CREDITS

Starring George Kareman and Dan Klein // Written by George Kareman // Directed by Greg Stees // Shot by Skyler Rousselet // Edited by George Kareman // Sound by Marcos Butron Jr.

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ABOUT TWO GUYS WHO HATE EACH OTHER

They may hate each other, but hey – they have the best adventures together. Starring George Kareman & Dan Klein.

Every family has stories. Stories that get told over and over and over again, stories that get passed down and get told by people who are far younger than the stories themselves, stories that change or blur over time, stories that become part of the family.

But not everyone has stories like this.

In 1934, Harold Heaven disappeared from his cabin in Haliburton, Ontario in the dead of winter.

All that was missing was his rifle, his best suit, and Harold himself. The door was left open, the lamp was left burning. With no body ever found and not even so much as footprints in the snow to follow, the case was unceremoniously closed as a supposed suicide. 87 years later, that’s the story that Mike Mildon, Harold Heaven’s great-great-nephew, grew up hearing. What happened to Harold? Why would a young man who had just recently purchased land and started construction on a new cabin walk out into the woods in the middle of the night, and in a suit, no less? If it was a suicide, why was his body never found? These are just some of the questions that Mike and the rest of his family wrestled with around the campfire over the years, and with over eight decades of separation from the disappearance and not a lot of information to go on, Mike and his best friend Jackson Rowe set out to find some answers.

Mike and Jackson are comedians by profession, but they want you to know that the disappearance of Harold Heaven, the people they interviewed, the leads they uncovered and the lengths they went to in this documentary are very real.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length

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Mike, obviously this is something that you’ve known about for a very long time, but at what point did you tell Jackson about Harold Heaven? And then how did that lead to you guys deciding to try and solve this mystery?

Mike: I don’t think I ever told Jackson about the campfire story, which is what I knew my entire life. The first thing I brought to him was the 1934 police reports, and it was right at a time when, like, all the content we were absorbing was true crime. So, I handed [the police reports] to him and was like, “I think there’s something here.” Then we started to go back and forth about everything: what was on the police report, the investigation, then it slowly started to dawn on us that we might have a true crime on our hands.

Since both of you come from a comedy background and have been working together for a while, what was it like switching gears into true crime? Did you find that your skills from comedy were applicable at all?

Jackson: It was a bit awkward at first, for sure. We were just nervous and we wanted to make sure we were doing the whole case justice. Then as we got our feet wet and as we started to get more and more into the thick of the investigation we really settled in. I think our comedy background was an asset to us because we could put people at ease during the interviews, and we come across with a certain charm that allows people a little more freedom to talk about stuff. They know we’re not just looking for the goods and trying to pin anything on anybody. We’re actually just interested in making the best documentary and getting to the bottom of the case.

Mike: We’re charming. We’re very charming.

What was it like working to solve this crime that’s not only so close to home for you, Mike, but to try and solve it with your family? Was that weird?

Mike: Yeah, there’s a lot of trust involved and they didn’t know the story we were telling. They just knew we wanted to talk about the Harold case. They were kind of like, well, how is this all going to fit together? To be honest, Jackson and I didn’t really know exactly what we were telling at the beginning either. We knew we wanted to solve it but we were kind of feeling it out, trying to make it feel like we’re having fun, the same way we talk about the campfire story. Jackson and I treated the interviews the same way with my family, like it’s just a conversation about Harold. And depending on the generation, like you go far enough back and there’s only one generation removed from Harold. So then it’s a little bit of a touchier subject. We just had to strike the right tone and balance with each person.

Yeah, I mean it sounds like it’s so long ago when you say 87 years, but that’s not that long ago. I wasn’t expecting, going into the documentary, to be able to see people who knew Harold.

Jackson: It gives a whole new weight to it, when you meet people who met him or knew him and can describe him as a real person rather than just the photos we’ve been seeing. It was really cool.

Mike: 87 years is a long time ago, but not that long.

Jackson: Not to everybody.

Did you anticipate the kind of reaction that you got from the community? As in the whole process of spreading the story of Harold through events and being on the radio show, did you go into it thinking that it was mostly going to stay localized to your family, or were you expecting to really get a lot of members of the community involved?

Mike: For me that was the most exciting part because there was all this information within our family, but the family always kept it contained. So Jackson and I were excited about getting [the story to] literally everybody. We wanted to spread the word as fast and as far as we could to see what people came back with and who knew about the mystery. A lot of information did come in that way. There were a lot more people that knew about Harold’s story and what happened than we anticipated, it led to a lot of cool breakthroughs in the case.

Jackson: I definitely didn’t anticipate the level of knowledge in the community and the level they were willing to help. It really did blow us away.

—Minor spoiler ahead—

What was the most exciting or the coolest development in this case for both of you as you were going through it?

Mike: My favorite was when we discovered the Apple Core Man. That was investigative work we were able to do. We figured out who the Apple Core Man was, and then not only that, but his descendants also had stories of Harold and a completely different version of events than what we’d ever heard. So it led to this whole next half of the show that was not there at the beginning, and it was so cool because it was happening in real time. We were on the phone and then we were like, “We have to go to Lindsay!” And then driving out there the next day, it was crazy. You can feel it in that episode. It’s all very active, very exciting.

Jackson: I think the most exciting part for me was getting to ride snowmobiles. That was pretty awesome. We use them to get to a certain area that was kind of hard to get to, then once we were done filming we just ripped around a little bit on the frozen lake with them.

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Watch all episodes of For Heaven’s Sake on Paramount+ and keep up with Mike and Jackson’s comedy on their YouTube channel right here

Do you have a friend that’s smart but “stupid” at the same time?

Like, they own a home and have a full-time job, but they think racism isn’t real?

Personally, I don’t believe anyone is actually stupid – the root of the issue tends to be a mix of being misinformed, uneducated, and/or needing to get their ego checked via therapy.

ALSO – we (unfortunately) live in a world with both evil corporations AND bad people with money that intentionally make things complicated and spread misinformation to discourage the oppressed from being informed OR politically active.

So… how do we get our smart (but stupid) friends to see the error in their ways?

Well – they say “laughter is the best medicine,” and comedian Karan Menon’s TikToks are proof that humor may be the best way to inform your misinformed friends.

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The “All Lives Matter” movement is stupid, and this TikTok explains why in the funniest way.

Karan’s friend flailing in the background miming that he’s “having a heart attack” SENDS ME

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“Voter suppression isn’t real,” haha – YOU SURE ABOUT THAT!?

I literally once didn’t watch anything on Netflix for a month because I was too lazy to re-enter my password. We KNOW that people are less likely to do something when they’re inconvenienced – so why wouldn’t we make voting as accessible as possible? (unless the people in power didn’t want CERTAIN people voting… dun dun DUN!)

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Does the phrase “abolish the police” make your friends ✨furious?✨ Show them this:

BTW – no one said, “get rid of the police.” We said, “hey – there’s a consistent pattern of police killing or injuring innocent people of color AND mentally disabled people. We should probably change the way we do policing so that this stops happening.”

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The electoral college is bullsh*t and we all know it. Let this video ✨vindicate you✨

There aren’t a ton of people defending the electoral college’s legitimacy, we’re just in a weird position where it would be difficult to get rid of it. However, we got stuck with Donald Trump for four years because of the electoral college and over half a million people died because of his mishandling of the pandemic. I feel like that alone is a good enough reason to at least try to abolish it. Here are step-by-step instructions on how we could actually abolish the electoral college.

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When Texas got hit with unusually cold weather, did any of your friends brush off the chaos it caused as a result of “people not knowing how to handle cold weather”? Show them this:

The needless amount of property damage and death this weather caused was preventable – the state was just too cheap to put in the infrastructure that would’ve protected its citizens. We can’t allow people to be misinformed about what happened in Texas, or it will happen again (just like it did 10 years ago).

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Have a friend that still won’t wear a mask? (even though we are a year into this pandemic). SHOW THEM THIS:

I once didn’t recognize a guy I had been dating for 6 months because he got a haircut. So yes – I do fully believe Robin wearing that mask would protect Robin’s identity.

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Sorry to circle back to police reform thing again, but C’MON!! WE HAVE TO CHANGE THIS “absolute immunity” bullsh*t because it is GETTING IN THE WAY OF JUSTICE.

We need to be able to police the police if we want the police to police properly.

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Like my TikTok recommendations? Cool. Got better ones? Awesome! If there’s a TikTok account you think FOD should feature, send it my way: kat@funnyordie.com

Follow FOD on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/J2NGVMq/

Also… follow me (the author – hi!) on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJhJse89/

Read all of our TikTok Creator Spotlights! https://www.funnyordie.com/tiktok-spotlight

Even if it didn’t literally occur the previous week like the name implies, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver covers topics that are as important to know about as they are deeply, deeply fucked up. Over the pandemic, John Oliver has focused on things that are topical and relevant to the times, like how completely messed up the unemployment benefits system is in America and the insane lengths Trump and his cronies went to to undermine the 2020 election, but the star of this week’s episode is, unfortunately, very evergreen: Tucker Carlson.

Tucker Carlson is by no means a new face on television and even those who value their time and brain cells enough to not watch his show know the basics. He’s the highest rated host on Fox News, he’s the grand master of dumb facial expressions that are somehow both slack and furrowed at the same time, and he’s never not yelling about minorities, women, LGBTQ+ folks, Muslims, or a combination of the above. You might be thinking, yeah, we all know that, so what else is there to talk about?

Well, considering there’s a very real possibility this sac of bugs wearing a suit might become a future presidential candidate, now is the time to get very acquainted with exactly who he is and what he’s about.

Although Fox News won a lawsuit against them alleging that Tucker slandered former model Karen McDougal by literally arguing that “no reasonable viewer” would take him and what he says seriously, his show is where millions of people are getting information and rhetoric that they absolutely take seriously. This episode breaks down what Tucker Carlson’s tactics are for so effectively peddling white supremacy and white nationalism, what he represents, and where he came from. (Not a bog, surprisingly.)

The only thing John Oliver didn’t cover is what some of Tucker Carlson’s weaknesses might be. Sunlight? Water? Perhaps garlic or anything made of pure silver?

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Spelling mistakes and syntax errors aren’t anything new, they’ve been around for as long as humans have been writing words. For most of history though, one’s spelling mistakes (most likely) had a pretty limited audience. Unless you were writing a book or an article in a newspaper or something else publicly available, the only person who’d catch your goof-ups would be your beloved to whom you’re writing long, cursive love letters to, or whatever they did back in the sepia-tone days. Now, thanks to the internet, every single thing you do is extremely public and widely, widely distributed whether you like it or not, which means that anytime you make even the most minor of spelling blunders — or typos, as the kids say — you’ve got a whole sea of people ready to jump on it as if it’s the single dumbest thing anyone’s ever seen.

So let’s get one thing straight: unless you’re grading a paper or someone messes up your name, pointing out someone’s typos makes you a giant tool. Just because you corrected some guy’s use of “their”, “there”, or “they’re”, in a YouTube comments argument doesn’t mean you won.

HOWEVER.

Compiling a series of misspellings and grammatical blunders into one video and reading them aloud for the purpose of making people laugh because hey, some combinations of letters are just super funny, is totally different and hilarious. This is exactly what one YouTuber, J. T. Sexkik, did a couple of times back 2016, and holy shit, to this day they are some of my favorite goddamn things ever created.

For both videos, he took screenshots of questions various people had asked on Yahoo! Answers, and simply read them out loud. The questions for the first video center around pregnancy, “am I pregnant?” “Could my girlfriend be pregnant?” Things like that. The second video features questions all about ouija boards.

You might be asking yourself, “how many different ways to fuck up the spelling of ‘pregnant’ and ‘ouija board’ could there possibly be?”

Oh… so, so many.

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HOW IS PRANGENT FORMED

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CURSE OF THE WEGGY BOARD

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During the pandemic millions of people have had to adjust to their jobs, schooling, childcare, and anything else that would regularly happen face-to-face being conducted pretty much entirely virtually. After over a year of living life under lockdowns, it’s to be expected that we’d all be feeling a little technology burnout. So to help reinvigorate your day-to-day, here are some alternative email sign-offs and signatures you might want to consider.

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Stoically while staring out at the sea,

See you in Hell,

Baby bye bye bye (bye bye bye),

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH,

Stay fresh, cheese bags,

Await the signal,

Take care or else,

Flatulently,

Softly and tenderly like Julie Andrews holding a baby bird,

Stuck inside a computer beep boop beep boop,

Hail Cthulhu,

BEGRUDGINGLY,

Watch the skies, traveller,

Please be nice I’m sensitive,

Still deeply confused by Tenet but too afraid to ask at this point,

Sent from my iPhone OR WAS IT,

And if you don’t know, now you know,

Naked and afraid,

New York Times #1 Bestselling Author,

Respond at your convenience but know I will be panicking until you do,

Originally published July 2019

Humans have evolved into incredibly unique creatures, each with our own interests and tastes, but for all our differences and opinions, there are a few facts we all know to be universally true. Fart jokes are funny, turning the radio down makes reading street signs easier, and things that go fast are cool. We love when things go fast. It doesn’t matter what it is, animals, vehicles, people — if it goes fast, we like it and we want to watch it go fast. In fact, we love watching things go fast so much, we’ve turned that basic notion into multiple sports.

RACING!

YEAH, BABY! Foot races, horse races, car races, boat races, WE GOT IT ALL! But what do we like more than simply watching things go fast competitively? Watching things go fast competitively with ridiculous additions that make going fast extremely hard to do and hilarious to watch. With that, I present to you,

DINOSAUR RACING.

No, not actual dinosaurs. Science isn’t there yet, and if it was, I’d like to think the first thing we’d do with actual dinosaurs would not be make them run a track for our own entertainment. But that’s probably exactly what would happen, because humans objectively kind of suck and we should not be trusted with dinosaurs. So this is the next best thing. You know what? No. I take that back. This isn’t the next best thing, this is the best thing. This is it. This is the pinnacle of sport. This is…

Humans sprinting while wearing inflatable T. Rex costumes.

If that sounds ridiculous, that’s because IT TOTALLY IS. AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. As if trying to watch people sprint in giant inflatable dinosaur costumes wasn’t already funny enough, the names of some of the competitors are Dino Dasher, Ramblin’ Rex, Rex Girlfriend, Fossilizer, and my personal favorite, the winner of the whole thing,

Regular Unleaded.