Crawlomatic

Although makeup artists on YouTube and beauty vloggers make it look super simple, anyone who’s attempted to do their own costume makeup will tell you that it is not easy. You have to be a master of symmetry, have the patience of a saint, the precision of a surgeon, and a pretty firm grasp on shading and color theory.

That’s why a lot of people go to school in order to become a pro at it, and why a lot of other folks just wear masks on Halloween — this shit is hard!

One woman, though, decided that she wanted to give herself an extra challenge when it came to this already-hefty task. Brandi TV, as she is known on YouTube, wanted to embark on a series of costume makeup tutorial videos. There’s a twist, however.

Before she begins, she gets high as balls.

And when I say “high as balls” I don’t mean she takes a few impressive bong hits before plunking down in front of the camera. No, no. Brandi chows down on edibles. Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but my most distinct memory of edibles was being totally fine, still being totally fine, blacking out, and then being perched on top of the back of a couch like a cat while cradling a box of Ritz crackers.

Being able to accomplish literally anything on edibles is impressive, which is perfectly illustrated in one video when Brandi tries to read the label on her foundation.

“Classic fass pai—
Classic fass paint
Classic FOSS???
*sigh*
Classic face paint.”

There is a saying that goes, “Everyday the internet has a new main character and the goal is not to be it.” You know, people who do something so profoundly dumb and bad that the entire internet comes together to light them the fuck up. Like Bean Dad, who proudly tweeted that he refused to feed his hungry 9-year-old daughter for six hours because she couldn’t figure out how to use a can opener and he didn’t want to help her, or Dean Browning, the Pennsylvania Republican who had been masquerading as a pretend gay Black Trump supporter on Twitter.

The internet’s main character for almost this entire week is Tucker Carlson, which, I gotta say, couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy. Tucker has had his doughy ass virtually handed to him by Jon Stewart, John Oliver, and now Seth Meyers.

After showing a clip of “human catamaran” Tucker Carlson asking some really hard-hitting questions about the coronavirus vaccine that definitely haven’t already been answered by medical experts over and over and over, like “How effective is it?” And, “How necessary is it to take it?” At which point Seth Meyers takes it away and delivers a Tucker Carlson impression that is so good it’s almost TOO good as he takes us down a nonsensical rabbit hole of covid vaccine questions that is so absurd, chances are Tucker saw it and said to himself, “Wait, he’s making some good points here. What if the vaccine DOES turn you into a half-porcupine half-human?”

If you ask anyone, “Hey, do you remember Green Lantern from 2011?” There are only two possible answers, “No,” or, “Ugh, unfortunately.” We’ve all got our own share of mistakes. For the entire cast of Cats (2020) it was Cats (2020), for Ryan Reynolds it was Green Lantern. In fact, the film was so profoundly bad and impacted so many people because of how bad it was that during the credits of Deadpool 2, Ryan Reynolds (as Deadpool) goes back in time to 2011 and shoots himself in the head so that the movie is never made.

Apparently, Ryan Reynolds had never even seen the movie, which I’m certainly not going to fault him for. But on St. Patrick’s Day this year, he finally decided to bite the bullet and watch it for the first time.

After informing fans on Twitter that he was about to take the plunge —and making himself a stiff drink to get through the movie— he live tweeted his entire experience, which was way more fun to witness than Green Lantern itself. (But, honestly, it doesn’t take much.)

If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that sharks are cool as shit. They’re fast as hell, they’ve got hundreds of bitchin’ razor sharp teeth (except you, whale shark, but you still rule), even their skin is made up of essentially microscopic teeth, and just like your dependable best friend from elementary school, they haven’t really changed over the hundreds of millions of years they’ve been around.

Or so we thought!

Apparently over the last few million years, at least nine shark species off the coast of Australia and New Guinea have learned to walk behind our backs. These conniving bastards, called epaulette sharks, now use their fins to crawl across coral reefs.

So, first of all, absolutely the fuck not.

We trusted you! You were our rock in a swirling sea of evolutionary changes! How could you do this to us, “epaulette sharks”, if that’s even your real name. We loved you just the way you were, and then you go and betray our trust like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d actually stab us in the back, considering you probably also have some kind of fucked up shark hands now.

When does it end, sharks??

Well, it doesn’t end there, because guess the fuck what. They’re not just flipping everyone a webbed middle finger and scrabbling over reefs, they’re actually walking on land.

OKAY, NO. NOPE.

Look at this asshole

The audacity. The gall. We’ve been weathering a goddamn global pandemic for over a year, from which we’re all gonna have to work through weird cagey feelings around toilet paper for like, a while, and now this shit? Sharks are leaving the fucking ocean and taking strolls on beaches, and that’s what we have to deal with now?? No. NO. Sharks had their chance to venture onto land a few hundred million years ago, they made their decision and I am putting my foot down. My human, land-dwelling foot. We cannot allow this.

There is already way too much shit going on. Nobody has the time or energy to deal with “oh by the way, sharks want to walk among us” on top of everything. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “It’s not a big deal! All the walking sharks are super small, they’re not a threat!” To which I say, first and foremost, the fact that you’re normalizing “walking sharks” at all is disgusting, you make me sick. Secondly, yeah sure they’re small now, but what happens when they decide they wanna get bigger? They’ve already decided they want to leave the fucking ocean without consulting anyone, you think they’re gonna run it by the group when they want to bulk up?

Fat chance, buddy.

And what kind of an example is this setting for sharks that are already big? If you don’t think the bull sharks or great whites are going to lace up and immediately follow suit as soon as they hear about what these 2-foot-long punks are up to then you need to wake up and smell the sea salt. Do you want to have to look him in the eyes and tell Jaws to get off your lawn? I don’t!

I don’t like it, I don’t trust it, and neither should you.

Over the course of the pandemic many people have adopted or begun fostering pets, both because lots of folks found themselves with way more time on their hands in lockdown and because everybody has been clinging to literally any form of socialization and anything that provides the slightest bit of joy in this ceaseless nightmare.

If you haven’t welcomed an animal companion into your life yet there is still time, and this might be the dog for you. So long as you’re not a man, or a child, or someone who lives with men or children, or who has other dogs. Or cats. Or anything else, really.

This is Prancer, and he’s quite the character demon.

Tyfanee Fortuna

Prancer is a chihuahua from New Jersey and he has a lot of strong feelings. Most of them are not good. Since coming into her life “obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him,” Tyfanee Fortuna and her family have been fostering Prancer for six months, but the time has come for Fortuna to really put the pedal to the metal on her hunt for his forever home — a task which has proved difficult for a number of reasons.

In her now-viral Facebook post, Fortuna describes Prancer and what living with Prancer is like in vivid, brutally honest detail, after writing a number of drafts to try and make him sound “palatable”.

“The problem is, he’s just not. There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins.”

Tyfanee Fortuna

Fortuna describes Prancer as “50% hate and 50% tremble,” and explains that because his former owner, an elderly woman transitioning to assisted living, never socialized him, he has a deep loathing for men, any other animal, and (it’s safe to assume) children. She goes on to say that because of this, he likely could not live in an apartment complex, unless you hate your neighbors, and that he would probably “have to be put away like a vacuum” when company comes.

“I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.”

Thanks to Fortuna’s hilarious “buyer beware” post, and because I think we all resonate with a grump like Prancer, he has become an internet sensation. Fortuna says that the flip side of his incredible, concentrated neurosis is he is incredibly loyal, and would make a great companion for a single woman or a married couple. He likes to go for car rides and although Fortuna admits he does have a “bologna face”, he smiles when he’s happy and is still a little bit adorable.

Check out Fortuna’s Facebook post here, Prancer is available through Second Chance Pet Adoption League.

Tyfanee Fortuna

Well, this comes as sad news to Mr. Trump and extremely inconsequential news to everyone else, in fact it’s pretty generous to call this “news” at all but hey man, we’ve been in a pandemic for over a year now and it’s hard to find entertaining stuff to write about when everybody’s inside and literally nothing happens. It’s either this or making you all read in-depth reporting on the drama at the bird feeder outside. (Lesser goldfinches have recently moved in and the house finches who run this spot are being pretty huge dicks about it.)

Look, what I’m trying to say is I’m doing my best.

A n y w a y ,

The wax figure of Donald Trump at Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks in San Antonio recently had to be removed from the museum display and put into storage because guests of the museum couldn’t stop beating the hell out of it. According to regional manager for Ripley Entertainment, Clay Stewart, museum-goers had cleaned Trump’s waxy clock badly enough to leave “deep marks” requiring he be moved to storage. It’s unclear how the addition of more deep, waxy marks made Mr. Trump appear less realistic, especially considering this is what the original figure looks like.

Wow. Who knows if the person responsible for this wax figure really, really hates Trump or is simply bad at their job, but either way, wow.

The other question we’re all left with is who in their goddamn minds is choosing to go to a wax museum, of all places, in the middle of a pandemic?! You’re telling me there are people out there saying, “Mask or no mask, I gotta get to Louis Tussaud’s.” And they’re just… OUT THERE? Walking among us?! There’s another public health concern we need to discuss!

Apparently people beating up wax figures of former or sitting presidents at the museum is not uncommon, and the museum has “always had trouble with the presidential section” for that reason. There seems to be a pretty simple fix here: stop making wax figures of presidents! They’re creepy! Why do we need another version of every American president that is both deeply haunting and infinitely more useless! Stop making wax presidents.

Season four of No Activity, the first fully animated season, is now streaming on Paramount+

This season finds Special Agent Nick Cullen (Brammall) finally realizing his dream of joining the FBI — but his excitement won’t last for long, as he quickly discovers this job is not at all what he expected it to be. A seemingly dull observation detail takes a turn and becomes the potential beginnings of a career-defining case when he learns of an emerging cult, and when a massive operation takes aim at this cult, it’s unclear which side will break first. Although this promotion means his life is far from the same as it once was, Cullen’s path does continue to cross with that of his former partner Judd Tolbeck’s (Meadows), who is going through his own adjustment period with a new partner.

Along with Brammall and Meadows, this season will feature an incredible roster of guest stars.

Guest stars to watch for include Louie Anderson, Kevin Bacon, Jillian Bell, D’Arcy Carden, Rob Delaney, Elle Fanning, Will Forte, Kimberly Hébert Gregory, Udo Kier, Lamorne Morris, Oscar Nuñez, Hannah Simone, June Squibb, and Samara Weaving, as well as returning guest stars Joe Keery as Officer Reinhardt, the new partner of Tim Meadows’ Judd Tolbeck, Sunita Mani as dispatch operator Fatima, Jason Mantzoukas as an undercover FBI agent, Bob Odenkirk as Greg, and Amy Sedaris as dispatch’s mother hen, Janice.

Head on over to Paramount+ to stream all episodes of No Activity Season 4!

NO ACTIVITY is produced by CBS Studios in association with Funny Or Die, Jungle and Gary Sanchez Productions, with animation production services provided by Flight School, and is based on the Stan original series produced by Jungle. The series is co-developed and executive produced by Brammall and Trent O’Donnell, alongside executive producers Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Joe Farrell, Mike Farah, Joe Hardesty and Jason Burrows. Nina Pedrad, Steve Toltz and Becca Kinskey serve as co-executive producers. As in previous seasons, O’Donnell will also direct.

You really do learn something new everyday, for example I had no idea until about thirty minutes ago that Cadbury puts on a contest each year to decide who will be the new Easter Bunny for their famous clucking bunny commercials. I figured they had a roster of A-list actor bunnies for that, but this method of selection, called the Cadbury Bunny Tryouts, is much more adorable.

Apparently there’s a lot of competition to be dubbed the new Cadbury Bunny, which makes sense when you think about it, that is the highest rank any rabbit could aspire to rise hop to. (I’m guessing, I don’t converse with many rabbits.)

This year’s contest garnered over 12,000 animal submissions, and after an intense few weeks of voting, America has spoken.

The 2021 Cadbury Bunny is Betty the treefrog.

You’re probably thinking, wait a second, that’s not a bunny, that’s a treefrog! Which is true, Betty is not, in fact, a bunny. However, she does have ears on and she can hop like a pro, so she definitely meets the requirements. Plus, what are you, the bunny police?!

She’s doing a great job. Nothing but the utmost respect for our new democratically elected Easter Queen.

Aside from being a perfect sweet angel baby who can do no wrong, Betty has made history as the first amphibian and first female to win the title of Cadbury Bunny, making this not just a success for her, but for all of us. We are all winners today. Betty’s favorite pastimes are “sleeping, late-night snacking, taking a dip in her water bowl and spending time with friends,” and I would take a bullet for her. Just another fun fact.

We all know that just because someone holds political office that doesn’t guarantee they’re the brightest bulb in the box, and occasionally there are moments that are just impossible not to laugh at. Like when Ben Carson, the goddamn Housing and Urban Development secretary, genuinely thought Congresswoman Katie Porter was asking him about Oreo cookies because he didn’t know what REO’s were, or when Utah Senator Mike Lee tried to argue against the Green New Deal with pictures of Aquaman.

Unfortunately for everyone though, way more often than it is funny, having dim bulbs in office has awful consequences.

And during the last year-and-a-half of the coronavirus pandemic, that’s meant putting people’s health and lives at risk. On March 10 Governor Greg Abbott of Texas completely lifted the state’s mask mandate, even though less than 7% of Texans had been vaccinated by that point. There’s nothing funny about that. The real kicker is that although the Governor said he wanted Texas businesses to be able to operate as normal and get the economy going, many events and conventions that were supposed to be held in Texas have cancelled as a result of his extremely premature and fucking dumb decision to end the mask mandate, which has caused businesses to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Real great work, Greg.

Thankfully there are many, many Texans who have continued to wear masks and practice safe social distancing, and many business owners are still requiring their employees and patrons do the same. Wayne and Kat LaCombe, owners of Legends Diner in Denton, are among them. After closing their restaurant for almost three months, the LaCombes are very serious about Legends Diner’s social distancing and mask guidelines.

In fact, they’ve adopted a new policy and wrote it on a sign in the restaurant window just to make sure everyone’s super clear on it.

Wayne LaCombe / Legends Diner

$50 if I have to explain why masks are mandatory

$75 if I have to hear why you disagree

Seems like a perfectly reasonable surcharge to me! The LaCombe’s new restaurant policy has attracted customers, giving folks a sense of security and a good chuckle on the way in. However there have been those who have complained about the diner’s stance on masks, and luckily for them, Kat LaCombe worked as an oncology nurse for almost 30 years and was kind enough to respond via the diner’s Facebook page.

Legends Diner / Facebook

And she’s right! It’s not very much to ask of people! It’s actually a very, very easy thing to do! Be like the LaCombes, stay safe, wear a mask, and charge anyone who makes you listen to why they they won’t.

Last week the world was captivated by Ever Given, the cargo ship that became lodged in the Suez Canal, effectively halting 12% of the world’s trade for a full work week. This caused many people to say, “Hey, perhaps it’s not very good that a single waterway’s functionality can make or break a sizeable chunk of global trade.”

But then a much more important revelation was made, which was that Ever Given’s final course before getting stuck in the canal drew a giant dick and ass in the Red Sea.

Vessel Finder

There was never an official comment given by the crew or Evergreen Marine, the company to which the ship is registered, on why this impressively detailed course was charted, but that’s fine. We don’t need an answer, all that matters is that it happened.

Suez Canal Authority

The next updates in this ridiculous saga came from the Suez Canal Authority, which included a picture of the single excavator being used to try and dig this colossal ship out of the canal in superb Little Toaster That Could fashion, and a series of weird sizzle reels with intense music that answered exactly zero questions.

But early Monday morning, officials confirmed that the MS Ever Given, the sweetheart of the internet, has been freed.

There are many who I’m sure were elated at this news, however they are most certainly overnumbered by those who are absolutely not happy. Not happy at all. Why did we all come to love this boat so much? Why did looking at it continue to not move day after day bring us such a strange sense of joy and comfort? Is it because we saw ourselves in this boat, as we, too, have all felt stuck in one sense or another for the past year, with not but a single overwhelmed excavator? Who knows. All that’s for sure is the consensus now is, put the boat back.